Shane tells me all the time that I let little things get to me. I guess it's true. I wish I could just not care about anything or anyone. Honestly.
But here's the problem. In the process of not letting things get to me, I lose my voice. I don't tell people when something bothers me because I'm convinced that it's all just in my head, so I should just let it stay there--in my head. People just say whatever they want to say to me without thinking about how it affects me as well. They bitch, complain, and tell me to take pity on others... well what about my problems? I have my own. We all have our own problems. But am I some sort of bitch that you can just treat me like this?
It just blows my mind.
Pre-Deployment Thoughts
I was going to rant and curse, but I've calmed down now.
I try to psyche myself up everyday, to prepare myself for the day he would leave me. Been doing that since the day I decided I liked him. I kept thinking, "You know what you got yourself into, so don't feel bad later on" and "It's only 6 months. You can use that time to workout!" But none of it really sticks when you're 30 days away from saying goodbye.
April was the first time I experienced what it would be like without him around. He was gone for two months, but it wasn't too bad because I got to text and call him everyday. I even got two visits in while he was out there. Now, he's out for a month long training course and although it's not as long, it comes with its own difficulties. The first two weeks he left in April, the loneliness didn't set in until the second week, and I was bawling like a baby. But, when May hit, I was too busy planning my birthday week to let any sadness seep in. The second time he left, I was instantly miserable. I was depressed for two days straight, and it's because this second workup was only bringing me closer to his deployment. The reception is horrible, so I can only speak to him at night and sometimes that's not even possible.
You may think to yourself, it's not a big deal. Realistically, it's not. But 6 months is half of a year. That's 6 months of missing out on holidays, and memories that won't exist.
Another thing about pre-deployment time is the hectic last minute goodbyes. He has friends and family who want to see him, which I clearly understand about. However, I feel frustrated and sad because I want to see him too and have him to myself. It sounds selfish and I acknowledge that, but my argument is that everyone had a whole year to see him and you decide to visit him now? I've been mentally saying bye to him since last year.
These are just the thoughts that go through my head...
I try to psyche myself up everyday, to prepare myself for the day he would leave me. Been doing that since the day I decided I liked him. I kept thinking, "You know what you got yourself into, so don't feel bad later on" and "It's only 6 months. You can use that time to workout!" But none of it really sticks when you're 30 days away from saying goodbye.
April was the first time I experienced what it would be like without him around. He was gone for two months, but it wasn't too bad because I got to text and call him everyday. I even got two visits in while he was out there. Now, he's out for a month long training course and although it's not as long, it comes with its own difficulties. The first two weeks he left in April, the loneliness didn't set in until the second week, and I was bawling like a baby. But, when May hit, I was too busy planning my birthday week to let any sadness seep in. The second time he left, I was instantly miserable. I was depressed for two days straight, and it's because this second workup was only bringing me closer to his deployment. The reception is horrible, so I can only speak to him at night and sometimes that's not even possible.
You may think to yourself, it's not a big deal. Realistically, it's not. But 6 months is half of a year. That's 6 months of missing out on holidays, and memories that won't exist.
Another thing about pre-deployment time is the hectic last minute goodbyes. He has friends and family who want to see him, which I clearly understand about. However, I feel frustrated and sad because I want to see him too and have him to myself. It sounds selfish and I acknowledge that, but my argument is that everyone had a whole year to see him and you decide to visit him now? I've been mentally saying bye to him since last year.
These are just the thoughts that go through my head...
