Viva La Vida

That's the title of a song from Coldplay's new album. "I used to rule the world..." It's a rather calming and as usual, contemplative song from the group. What have I been up to lately? This last weekend I left San Diego. It was a great mini-trip.

Since then, I've been sitting in my room listening to 80s Europop and rock, with the occasional contemporary song or two. I check Craigslist.org and other job sites almost religiously. From time to time I'll leave my room to get food or workout. Other than that, I've been trying my hardest to avoid using money because I am jobless and poor. Emphasis on poor. I hang out with some friends here and there. I've gotten tanner and possibly more cancerous.

However, the point of this blog entry is likely to start here. I have the most schizoid and psychoanalytic personality anyone could ever assume. Behind a mask of "dumb blonde moments" and slightly lecherous wit, is a girl who sits waiting for her moment to be acknowledged. I want to believe my moment will come sooner than later, but time is starting to prove me wrong. The whole "starving artist" image is totally what I'm portraying right now, and I don't look good while doing it. So finances aside, my heart is going through a lot of ups and downs. One moment it feels pretty exuberant with complete and utter silliness, and the next just sheer disappointment and pain. I guess that's life, right? The ability to feel all these feelings are supposed to be a gift. But, I wish the feelings were more consistent because, honestly, nothing in my life is stable right now.

I have a "Princess Complex". I don't wish I was one nor do I believe myself to be one, but in my small and sometimes icy heart, I wish someone would treat me as one. Do I deserve it? Probably not, but one can hope right? I've been feeling like a princess lately, but I wonder how long it will last until the cruelty of reality lassos itself onto me.

November Rain

There's this really great song by Guns N' Roses "November Rain". The lyrics aren't groundbreaking, but they're still great to listen to on any night when you're feeling alone or just in the mood for a rock love ballad. If you're a fan of 80s rock or just bored, please take a look at the lyrics they're pretty sweet. However, it's the guitar that really makes the song.

I hated growing up, and by that I meant going through high school and parts of college. Sometimes the "journey" was horribly uncomfortable, confusing, and lonely. I'm sure everyone feels lonely, but I have this desperate need to not be alone. Yet, when I'm in crowds or invited out, I just want to be alone. Some people have told me before that they notice I'm a pretty lonely person or I don't seem to like being alone. I guess it's true.

Ever since elementary school I was always searching for my "best friend".. you know, the type where you could share everything, fight occasionally, but never get sick of each other. As time went on, I started to worry the best friend didn't really exist. Now, it's too late. We're all too old to have a best friend, and no one has the time to just hang out. Everyone seems content on just being acquaintances; shit, we're even friends with our sworn enemies. Deep down, I'm needy and afraid of being alone. Maybe it's because I was the oldest child so I had to do a lot of things on my own, which should mean that I'm okay with being independent. I am, but it also caused me to constantly question my next move or feel alone as I make a path of "firsts" in my life.

I'm sure this isn't new or special, just a case of being scared and lame.

P.S. I know the picture kind of doesn't match the tone of this entry, but I'm trying to stay positive in the end. That's me during AZ Sib Revealing last Fall 07

Rejection

I had an interview for an internship/coordinator position just this last Thursday at some "successful marketing firm" and I did fairly well on the interview. Well, I didn't get the position. It's cool because that just means I can still have my summer adventures which will most likely happen on weekdays and I won't have to think of excuses to get out of work.

It just felt really good to finally hear from SOMEONE after applying for like 30+ jobs. Now, I know why they say apply for a job 6 months in advance. It's not because the interview itself will take 6 months, but because it's going to take you that long to finally hear back from someone after sending out your resume to 100+ job posts. Depressing, much?

Man, trying to get a job is a horrible, depressing, stressful waiting game. HORRIBLE!! I'm totally envious of those who come out of college with a job already.

Rehab & Addictions

Okay. So I'm a firm believer that if you have problems or addictions to something bad then maybe you should check into rehab.

HOWEVER, if you're above the influence and you KNOW your limits then why not indulge? I believe that drinking once or twice a day doesn't mean you have a problem, it just means you enjoy the taste of alcohol. Weed? Not even a real drug. Have you ever heard of anyone overdosing on weed? Exactly my point. If anything people should ban sleeping pills.

It becomes a problem when you start to skip payments to buy drugs or alcohol or when your friends no longer invite you out to events.

Like Ms. Winehouse says "They try to make me go to rehab and I said NO, NO, NO"

*Image: Me at SunGod

Songs You Should ROCK Out To

Regardless of where you are, people SHOULD know about these songs. I mean, you can't live your whole life only listening to one genre of music. EDUCATE yourselves and get away from Soulja Boy. Here's a list of songs I'm slowly compiling and firmly believe you should own on your iPod or mp3 player.

**THE CLASSICS**
Journey - Don't Stop Believing (I'm playing this at my wedding)
Journey - Lights
The Who - Baba O' Riley
Poison - Every Rose Has Its Thorn (good song to listen when you're drunk and feeling karoake-y)
Warrant - Cherry Pie
Van Halen - You Really Got Me

**MORE RECENT**
Anything by...
-Weezer
-Nirvana
-The Killers
-Angels & Airwaves
-New Found Glory

.. to be continued and don't argue with me! I like these bands.

Lessons

If there's anything I've learned crucially in the last few months is a lot can change in your life. Most of the time you go in with an idea of what life will be like, but through nature, fate, and decisions you made probably months or just weeks ago... here you are. Definitely, for the love of a social life, appreciate your college years. Although, I've loved every single moment of it--from the awkward first move-in day to when I took pictures on a hot day on RIMAC field; I'd re-do college in a heartbeat. Seriously, I would.

I know college was seriously, like, a month ago so I'm not some old-timer, but I already miss it and everything it stands for. It was your legit excuse in life for:

-going to bed drunk
-waking up drunk
-messing around for the sake of testing your limits of boredom
-meeting people without thinking "geez, I hope they can land me a job"
-purchasing RedBull in large quantities without being judged
-procrastinating
-believing life was just beginning

Shit, I miss this institution of excuses.

I don't know what my life is going to be in 1.5 months. That's scary. I could be in San Diego with/without a job or back in San Fernando Valley. Let's just hope that I get a job soon so I can enjoy the rest of my summer because so far it's been stressful and traumatic.

Morning Frustrations

So I purchased new contacts through 1-800 Contacts.com with the prescription I got through the student health optometrists at UCSD. Given I didn't order them for a good month after I got the prescription.. that shouldn't matter. So I get my new contacts and when I put them on they're fucking blurry as hell. I call in and they tell me that....

1. the optometrist I had seen no longer works there
2. it's not their prescription, it's probably MY eyes and that the astigmatism I have may be affecting the contacts I ordered because they're a different brand from what I was given for a sample pair
3. I can't come in for a checkup until NEXT MONDAY

So now, not only do I have to return the contacts I ordered, order another prescription, WAIT FOR ALL THIS TO HAPPEN.. I might have to buy toric lenses for my fucking astigmatism. Toric lenses are significantly more expensive. FUCK ME NOW.

I don't get how if the brand is different from the sample trial pair I was given, shouldn't the bitch have known that before giving me that prescription?! FUCKING HELL. I have to walk around freaking HALF BLIND because I procrastinated on buying lenses sooner and because some bitch fucked up my prescription and UCSD doesn't want to take credit for it.

It Hurts

When you're really disappointed in someone, it just hurts your heart so much. The type where it feels like someone's gripping your heart to make it stop beating. That's the pain I'm feeling right now.

It just feels horrible to know if I don't try to keep contact with these people, they will probably never care.

Move Along

It's a very slow Saturday night. The type where you sit around wondering if it's your fault for not having exciting plans to get drunk or that there really isn't anything going on tonight. Well. I'd say it's half and half. I'm kind of upset at a lot of things tonight which is probably why I think tonight is especially a drag.

1. I got into an argument with my dad where I basically hung up without saying bye and he said he would never call with advice ever again or maybe he said he would never call... shrug. Normally, I don't care but this time his anxiety and overreacting has gotten to me and got me thinking about my life in 1.5 months

2. So there's this person who's been pretty influential in my life and lately, I've been getting second thoughts about their intentions towards me. Like, I kind of heard some stuff that makes me second guess why they became my friend. I'm not sure whether I should even bring it up with him/her because their actions say the contrary. I need advice on this.

3. I just finished binge eating. I feel completely horrible and all I want to do is throw up.

I have so so so much on my mind right now. The answers won't be coming anytime soon. I have horrible anxiety and I'm constantly stressed over, sometimes, nothing. I just wished that person would care about me.

sigh

so that last entry was something I wish I could tell someone, but instead I've resigned to just never speak to that person ever again. sucks.

Hi.

Do you know how many times I've defended you? Sure you may come off as fucking nice and sincere, but holy shit you got more fucking skeletons in your closet than anyone I've ever met. Ever tried confiding in me? What? Can't trust me bitch?

What pisses me off the most is this whole "Oh I feel like I can't trust or rely on that many people because they don't care... or no one is reliable" BULLSHIT. Like HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I OFFERED ANYTHING TO YOU?!

Wow. All it took was 4 months really to show me your fucking true rainbow brite colors. Dumb bitch. I hope you're fucking happy with your shitass life. Fuck you and your fucking "friends"... yeah I hate those assholes too.

P.S. sometimes being a lil thicky thick isn't going to make you look more attractive. in your case, this is true.

Hancock-- Not That Super

Given it's a Will Smith movie and he did a good job playing the "bitter superhero in need of rehab" the film itself was mediocre. Everything just seemed like an afterthought.

*SPOILER ALERT*SPOILER ALERT*

I mean the "romance" between Charlize and Will's character was a twist that was predictable but developed erratically. If you guys are bored and don't feel like watching "Wanted" or "Wall-E" again for 3rd time, then go watch "Hancock." But if I was you I'd wait til DVD release and use that $10 on beer for this weekend!!! =]

APO Gossip Girl

I decided to bring this type of entry back for a while because let's face it... it's kind of funny. Sometimes I wish there was someone who would write blogs about the funny things people do in APO. Now, that I'm no longer around for GBMs who else is going to entertain the masses with shit they never knew about people? =]

Here's a little history they didn't teach you in high school... once upon a time ago, the lil goody two shoes boy we all know and discuss over and over in our circles used to be, how do I say this.. not so good? Know who I'm referring to? No? Well how about this for extra credit: We all love a before and after Cinderella story, but we don't always love Cinderella even after the makeover. Can you guess who this ugly duckling with a complex is?

You know you love me... xoxo


*this is all for fun people. don't take this seriously because if you start bitching and i hear about it, i will rip someone's face off.

Wednesday... so far so good!

So there's this person who's really been making my week so far seem pretty nice. Granted I don't get to have many talks with them but when I do get a chance to say hi or ask how he/she is doing.. the little talk ends up just really making my day. I love that person for it!

Now this brings me to this question: who's your "cheer me up" person in your life? For most I'm sure it's their boyfriend or girlfriend or mother/father. But, what if you don't really talk to your parents like that or if you're single? It's hard to open up to people and make connections that are long-lasting. However, that doesn't mean you should contain your thoughts to yourself.

I've been doing it for a while now, just keeping everything inside. I'm a pretty secretive person for sure. I don't think anyone knows EVERYTHING that I've done in life or what I really think of people. However, that doesn't make me a bad person or at least people shouldn't view me as bad for having thoughts that I like to keep to myself. It becomes a problem though, when sometimes I start to justify other's views towards me in my own mind without even talking to them about what's on my mind.

Another thing I'd like to bring up is people's view of who I am. Did you guys know that:

-I'm one of the hugest dorks/nerds around when it comes to Harry Potter, Spongebob, good movies, and Disneyland
-I don't always wear short shorts or skirts
-my view on life and people isn't really negative it's just realistic
-hip hop music isn't the only thing I listen to, but classic and alternative rock is a hit with me too

No. Apparently this is what people see: intimidating, high maintenance, bitchy, slutty, whore. O_o where did that come from? Eh. I don't really care because I do like who I am and what I look like. Believe it or not, I had to work to change how I looked before. I didn't really look like the "biatch" that I do now. I wore glasses. I mean c'mon. DRASTIC CHANGE.

Anyways, the moral of this blog is to open up and talk to people. No point in hiding from others because most likely they'll just come to their own conclusions about you anyways.

Happy July 1st-- The First Official Day of Summer

...according to me. =]

Memorial Day weekend doesn't start summer for me just because I'm still in school at that time and finals are just around the corner. Mid-June.. when the official day of summer is located, it just doesn't feel legit. But, July 1st is a good day to start summer because it's undeniable that by that time it's summer. No one's in school except for the losers taking summer school (haha jk!!), the weather's way too sunny, and everyday all you can think about is what you're going to do this summer.

Needless to say, I will be doing a LOT of drinking this summer =]

Weekend Recap

Friday: My first day back to work. Boring. As a receptionist, I no longer answer phone calls. Now I just kind of sit. Oh yeah Thursday night, I saw "WANTED"... and I loved that movie. Angelina Jolie.. sexy. At night, I watched Leo get drunk and turn semi-Hulkish. That was fun, but I only say that because I made sure to distance myself by at least 7 feet from him. HAhaha

Saturday: I finally did the majority of my packing and moving. Kelvin helped me out and omg it was such a huge difference. Just one person helping you move cuts the time it would've taken me to do it all by myself by more than half. Then, I saw "Wall-E" at night. I am severely and miserably in love with that robot. It's by far the best Pixar/Disney movie I've seen in a long time.

Sunday: Finally got my mattress and box spring into the new place. Once again, did jack shit.

Monday: Work was miserably boring. Woke up earlier than usual today to move my chair and bag of crap into the new place before work.

That was a pretty boring blog.