Things That I Really Want to Tell Graduates

Posted by Buu on Thursday, June 11, 2009
It's that time of the year again... kids everywhere are donning those uglyass cap and gowns, and florists are making a shitload of money from parents and friends who are too lazy to make signs and are too poor to get real meaningful gifts so they opt for bouquets and overpriced graduation leis. Although I've harped on how much post-college life sucks in previous entries, this is what I'd like to say to graduates if I were their commencement speaker.

Things That I Really Want to Tell Graduates

1. It doesn't get any better after this. Seriously.
2. That night when you were drunk and you thought you had a chance at the really hot guy/girl, but you were too chicken to make a move? That just defined your whole college experience and pretty much your future. You're basically an uninspired, non-leader, self-loathing type of person who's going to end up with a job that has nothing to do with your major. (Hmm.. that kinda sounds familiar..)
3. Debt. Even when your friends and family give up on you, count on debt to always be by your side.
4. GROUP INTERVIEWS. Nothing more demoralizing than thinking you're going to be interviewed based on your overqualified experience, but instead you're treated like a high school kid applying for a position at Abercrombie & Fitch.
5. The silver lining does not exist. Keep telling yourself "At least I don't have to take midterms and finals anymore" and maybe the silver lining will magically appear.
6. Invest in a gym membership. If you don't get a job right out of college, at least you can work on that cellulite of yours.
7. Craigslist is not the best source to look for jobs, especially if the title of the listing is "Great Income the EASY WAY" and the location listed is "Your Computer".

Okay, really, though... Congratulations to the Class of 2009. You might not have worked hard for all 4 years, but you did something with your parents' money to earn that diploma and tassel. Good luck in all of your endeavors and I'll be seeing you on Facebook Chat.